May 21 2008

Why ain't you married? Are "you" standing in your own way?

What am I missing here? Is it just me, or does anyone else find it asinine that this woman is considered a bitch and not worthy of marrying because she disagrees with a coworker who doesn’t allow his children to ride in his car. Since when does defending the interest of a coworkers children, a coworker who may or may not be guilty of putting his “wants and needs” ahead of his children-- since when does that constitute her being anything other than a woman who will put her children ahead of a mans “toys”? And KennyG’s comments have me thoroughly puzzled with the story of his ex girlfriend. There’s nothing in this scenario that leads me to believe that the woman who had never married had been involved with married men. There is any number of reasons that this woman is not married. It’s even possible that she has refrained from marrying little boys who find it so easy to toss around the word “bitch” like it’s a term of endearment. Quite possibly, she has been holding out for a “man” of substance.

iwnat tosay something really the human being are loking to be loved and accepted so the problem wiht the poepel athat are so older and the yarenot get married is because they donot wnat togwet out and geetting amrried yet because the ywant to be accousted to stay alone it is mycase , ifeel free ,and iam afraid tot ake adecison about it , because uiwll have more responsabilities and to attent to the husband and the sons after so icanot enjoy likea single girl . which iam feel good and go toevrywhere and just to comeabcka nd iam free and happy but iam concius that the love will come one day to my hearht and at the same tiem iwas sodesespearted but now i take the things ok i ahve toememt more friends and help to the people so ican do it , as soon as possible so ifeel fine doing things , and inend more tiem and money fro making things iam doing yeelwelery iam an englsih teacher iam cahtting and iama atending to myfamily myparents and brothers and etc.iam single yet but ienjoy wiht my singleness, is funny and we ahve to ebnjoyand be happy for this season . and ui trust in god thta he can give tome a special husband i advice to the singlemen sand women donot feeld eseperated adn live the life and trust in god and wait the right moment ok. and do activities and enjoy more and amke friends , chat and get out some places and help tothe people this thingsa re basics and enjoy wiht his, her family and travel and learn languagues and visist old epopelaor inroll ina social or any kind of group and help and do it you can be happy adn necessary and succesful wiht this things iam waitinga special person and iam so estrictive and i consider the spiritual area nit justa goodlooking man or rich or famous, justa worker man and spiritual amn and sicery and loyal and meet people and develop afriendship and be amture and sincerea nd honest wiht yourself.and isnot necesary to be so sexy no just sincere andnaturla and be friendlly and worryand interest in make friends ,and the love willcome and the love isadecison and determination and it neds time and patient and sopport everything and suffer it and one of the couple is more delivered and the another not but one day itwill balance .ok .have agood luck evrybody .

If the subject of the article is, in fact, hoping to get married or not, she may want to learn to mind her own business. I'm pretty sure that the fella who has a her's and there's cars and a his car didn't ask for opinions on his situation. Just 'coz you have an opinion doesn't mean that it is welcome or required. I mean he didn't make the comment here for our opinions, it was a conversation among coworkers. I say butt out. He and his wife may have saved up their hard earned dough for a nice car that they didn't want funked up with crumbs, spills, and other assorted yuck. They got that right. In fact, there are a whole bunch of other reasons why he may have a car that doesn't accept children riders. Since no one asked him, we don't know. Certainly a relationship with a woman who would feel entitled to swipe that car while he is out working to pay for it and against his wishes (and maybe hers) ride the kids around in it for spite hardly seems like a good solution. It is using the kids as weapons in a passive/aggressive fight into which they have no need to be interjected. Certainly a lot of conclusions have been jumped in the replies here (what the heck, it is an Olympics year), but people do get in their own way in terms of relationships. Butting into your partner's business unasked is one way. Trying to keep something to yourself (such as a car) without consulting your partner is another. And, yes, making assumptions without any kind of investigation is another. Happy hunting;-)!

I think to marry or not marry does not define and make this lady to be a bitch...Men are egoistic...why would you buy a car and not carry your kids in it? I would place that man in the category of boys who still need toys to play with but most likely he is aplay boy and the car is meant for the mistress...Woe unto you who think that a woman suggests by her body language that she needs a man just by walking or talking in the office!!!!

There is another reason that she may not be married and that is that there are some men who look at marriage as a bad deal. Fifty percent of the time marriages end in divorce, seventy percent of the time the woman initiates it, a divorce will cost you between 50 and 80 percent of your material wealth. At 40, I'm running into scads of women in my peer group who are ready for babies. They've got the house, the career, the car, the investments and now their looking for a husband. Sorry to say ladies, after hearing for last 20 years that men suck I gaze incredulously at the same thirty-something women that had no interest in me ten years ago now trying to get the attention my and my single, employed responsible friends. We have retreated to quiet lives with each other and have voted with our feet, the answer is no. That is the largest reason why your friend isn't married. Even if she was a bitch, that has less to do with it than you think.

"Love is doing someone else's thing." I got that from an alcoholic self help book and can't remember the author's name. But it's the truth. Love, commitment, marriage, all deal with the same things: selflessness, generosity, respect, communication, compromise, admiration of another person. The list can get bigger. People who marry and remain married are talented jugglers of these qualities and if they get something for themselves during the relationship it is usually the exception rather than the rule. Anyone in a relationship with someone without those qualities is approaching a one way street and that's no fun. So how do you have fun in a relationship with someone who doesn't compromise? Answer: you don't. Relationships that undure time are a continuous chain of conflicts and compromises, because two minds never think the same way for long. If you have fun that's good and it will be good until the next disagreement which isn't far off comes around. Many people marry for opportunism and try to extract as much from their "partner" as they can. That is the sociopathic relationship and they are more common than you might think. If you can find someone who isn't an opportunist, who doesn't want someone to continuously submit to their dominance, who has the relationship qualities, who doesn't look like a train wreck, that is one that you could think about holding on to, but usually they are few and far between and in high demand. I have known at least two opportunistic females and they always love new relationships because it always represents a new opportunity for them to get "what they want", which is a never ending struggle, and usually money and materials and/or favors, from someone else. Most people enter relationships trying to get what they want, but that is already the wrong approach because selfishness is not part of the sucessful program. People are generally oblivious to what another person's needs in the emotional arena. My first and only marriage lasted three years and it was a one way street. She wanted my inheritance and anything else that she could get. So she got half the house that I bought, for free, and she sits in it with her child from a previous marriage and her new men. Some men do this also, but it uaually the exception instead of the rule. But in my case I chose the divorce because I was tired of being taken advantage of by an opportunist. I got tired of "doing someone else's thing," so now I do my own thing. Relationships for me tend to be one sided, out of balance, overloading, confusing and intolerable and unacceptable. But, guess what? That's the name of the game. I just couldn't be selfless anymore so it's all over now. I'm 47. There are women I could date but they don't look like much. My ex was a high maintenance looker so it all makes sense I guess.

fkoi - I think you've summed it up well. I've got friends with small children and they have a really beautiful sports car the kids aren't allowed to touch - It's their date car and I think things like that are great for keeping romance alive. If the guy in the article was like me, he would pride himself on taking care of the car and that would enter into the mix, as well. I just don't think there's enough information in the article to make an analysis about how the family allocates resources to make a judgment. The woman in this article was showing passive-aggressive behavior that would immediately cause me to run away. John, we've both been down different grades of that road but you're limiting your life by shutting down. There's a lot of really wonderful women out there for us. They aren't the ones who are flashy, so we have to dig for them. I think you know this and that's why you're here and write with so much compassion and insight. We attract what we project, so act as the person you want to be and you will not only grow to be that person but will attract the mate you want. Really - It works. I'm a year older than you and date really wonderful women who match what I'm looking for, so you can too: Many women don't look to age - It's how we live and who we are that's much more important. Relax, take a deep breath and look around - Life's really wonderful and guess what? You didn't contract e-bola, today! Hello, everyone. I'm Laugh_Sailor and I stand in my own way, in dating. I am inconsistent in writing to women I like here, even though, like a good salesman, I know I need to keep my pipeline full in order to land a sale. I don't get involved in social organizations that center around my interests as I should. I also know there's something else I ought to be doing to attract the notice of adventurous, outdoorsy, passionate (in all of life), kind and "real" Los Angeles women that I'm not and have no idea what that is. Anyone have suggestions?