Jun 02 2006

Men Who Kiss Well Should Be Cloned

Greetings! This is Dr. Letitia Wright for idcdating.com. idcdating.com is where we're creating multicultural relationships everyday. Today, we've got a great interview with Lou Paget. She is from LouPaget.com, L-O-U-P-A-G-E-T, and she is a certified sex educator. Welcome to the podcast.

It's my pleasure to be here.

I want to tell everybody a little bit about you. Lou Paget is a certified sex educator and she is also a grassroots researcher whose quest for accurate practical information for herself has created a highly successful international seminar and product company with the focus on lifestyle and cultural trends that impact our sexuality, our health, and our relationships. She began organizing women's focus groups of sexuality and health back in the early 90s but what she didn't anticipate is that her small, formal discussion groups were going to explode into something very, very popular. She has a company called Frankly Speaking and she's known all over the world giving all of these seminars that really help us with our sexuality and she has written several books. Now today, the book we're going to talk about is...is it your most popular book?

It is my fourth book actually called "The Great Lover Playbook" and it came about as a result of couples and people in my seminars constantly saying, "Listen, you hear the best ideas from people of what works, what keeps things ongoing, what keeps it hot. They share their secrets with you, what do they tell you?" That's what this book is.

Isn't that the quest of every couple? We all want it to be as hot as it was when we first met.

We want to know that our appeal is still there. Let's be candid. Falling in love sex, and being in love sex, and intimacy are not the same, fortunately, because if we kept being as obsessed, because really it is like a brain narcotic. If we keep being that obsessed, we get nothing done and we'd starve to death.

Okay. So it has to change.

What it does do is it takes on...it's like the maturity of what happened with it, but you want to know you still have that. When someone says to you "I don't know what it is you've got but you've just got something." Quite frankly, you don't care what it is. You're just glad you've got it. It's taking care of that. This book is about the behaviors, the attitudes, the techniques, the things that couples who keep it ongoing, be it five months, five years, or 55 years, what they do and what they say.

Okay. We could talk about that forever because (talk over) like a tip a day, 365 different tips.

That's what it was. It's not every single day, but if you want to have the option everyday, you should have that too.

Okay. Two a day would be good. I want to ask a couple of questions because you've just got so much material and they're so great, but you say let him be the man. Let the man be the man.

Okay.

We women were very independent these days especially in America, so what exactly are you talking about?

I am not saying in anyway that you're supposed to put on a pillbox hat and wear gloves. If you choose to, that's your choice. What I am saying here is that if we think about it as women and you have your company, you have what you do, I'm successful in what I do, but for both of us, how we typically know most clearly our femininity and the acknowledgement of our femininity is in relationship to a man. Men, one of the biggest and most important things they want to be able to do for women is make a difference by being in your life and make contributions to you. If you do not have a space for a man to come into and be male in your life, and whether that is something as simple as hanging up a picture or making sure the oil is taken care of in your car or making arrangements for something, this is him doing something in your life that he can do.

These days, he's got to be there.

Precisely. It's like anything else. If there's no space for someone to show up, they won't show up.

Absolutely.

Whether it's a friendship or whether it's a relationship. Particularly for men, for women they want to know that the woman wants them there. They know that women can do everything. Goodness gracious. We know that. What they want to know is that they can do something for her.

Okay. That can be done without a woman feeling weak and...

Heavens!

Like it's not enough.

Heavens! I in no way think that I am weak. The women who were telling me about this, they knew that in order for them to have the type of relationship that honors who the man is and honors who the woman is, there needed to be an awareness that she needs him in a style of him showing up as the man. Some people say well then that's just only referring to the intimacy and the sexuality. Not necessarily.

There's a whole lot of stuff that goes on before sex actually happens.

Precisely. I love people saying "Well you know there's foreplay." Listen, foreplay starts at 8:00 in the morning. Foreplay starts when you discover "Oh my gosh! There's that cereal that she likes." That's called foreplay.

Exactly. We really got to pay attention to that and not so much buy into being independent and be interdependent I guess.

There's dependency on someone taking care of your heart, there's independent, but most men want a woman who can take care of herself. Most men do not want someone needy and clingy. Good grief. What they do want is a partner. That's one of the things I'm saying here is that women and men basically know that... Here is an example of let him be the masculine.

Okay. Great.

With manners, this is about paying attention to behaviors. For all of the people when it's dating, when they're meeting someone, people often pay more attention to the words. My comment is after 10 years of doing this and five books, 26 languages, etc., etc., what I know is pay more attention to the behavior. That tells you more about how the person is relating to you than the words.

Okay.

For example, if a man makes a point of opening the door for you, yes we can open our own door but there is this nicety manner thing that goes with I'm acknowledging you are an important woman in my life. Okay. This is the thing. Now, if someone else is carrying the packages, heavens, I have no problem opening the door for them. But when you are with a man, it is the acknowledgement of you as the woman.

We need to understand that and not misconceive it as some sort of feminine putdown.

Trust me. The ladies of old did not think they were being weak when a man was being so-called socially respectful. There is something that is lovely about manners.

Absolutely.

Manners are one of the most seductive things that a man can have. You ask any woman. Let's be clear here that we all know what the game plan is. The game plan is finding someone you can partner with, be intimate and have a relationship. Men who have more manners and present themselves well get more things happening than guys who are slobs who are ill mannered.

I agree. This is the expert saying, that's not just my personal impression.

Your mother was not wrong. It is the simplest of simplest common sense comments. Manners are truly one of the most seductive things. One of the other most seductive things people can give someone, your attention.

Yeah.

As I say, I don't care if it's a fish or a dog or a cat or a human being or a plant. If you give them the attention that works for them, they are going to flourish. Everything responds to attention. Everything.

Absolutely.

When someone is paying attention to you, why do you think affairs and/or interest in dating starts? When someone pays attention. Here's the other thing I'll say to people. If you are in a relationship, marriage, whatever it is, and you are not paying attention to your relationship, someone or something else will. That something else may be, and this is going back to the masculine, we all have a blend of masculine and feminine. For men, and for women as well, if someone is not paying attention to them in the way that makes them feel taken care of, their attention is going to go into work where they will get acknowledged, into a sport or an event where they get acknowledged, or into another person.

All of those things in today's society are very, very readily available.

Heavens! We both know when you are traveling (inaudible) truly here is the one thing that I say to people that is a defining event that defines your relationship as specific and that is sexual exclusivity, because that is typically the one thing that really is the only type of behavior that you have solely and exclusively with your partner. Because most people are working in a work environment where it is women and men together. You're traveling, you're doing conferences, there's all of the things that typically had not been done 15 or 20 years ago, now are completely commonplace, you have male and female roommates, many things that would only have been an enclave of behavior are now commonplace interaction. So the one thing that defines your relationship as special and exclusive is that form of behavior.

Just being sexually exclusive, that really is a big deal.

If it's not important for you, that's up to the person, but I will tell you for most people, women and men, that is the line in the sand. If you are and do decide to do things with someone other than your exclusive partner, kind of without it being understood it's okay if we both do that, keep it safe, come home clean and all that, whatever comments people wish to make. When the person finds out, your relationship will be irreparably changed.

Okay. It will never be the same.

It won't be the same. They'll wait for the shoe to fall again. Are they doing it again? For women who think well it's not really going to make that much of a difference, I will tell them pointblank what men tell me. What men have told me is that at that moment, he no longer, if he decides to stay in the relationship, it will no longer be making love to her. It will be having sex. When he does, the image that is constantly in his mind is the image of that other man physically being with her.

Okay. That's really devastating.

It is one particular image that men say they will never get out of their minds. Ever.

Wow.

I just say to people, "Look, before you do something, be aware of what the reaction is likely to be." Some people saying "Well, they won't find out," chances are they will eventually.

That's when you've got to deal with all that piling up.

At which point, then this is like when people fake orgasm. It's like something is not being told. You're not telling them the truth. Both men and women can fake. It's not sexually specific skill set.

Okay. We should talk about that. Men faking orgasm. I'm sorry, but I'm not that educated on it so I want to stay educated.

Okay. Well done darling. First off, I'll go back and describe with women when for most people when they are with their partner, the biggest thing they want to be able to do is to give them pleasure, is to make them feel good.

That's right.

This is no longer the thing of just doing it only for yourself. If you're still in college or you're just doing something just only for the action, fine. (Inaudible) to the fact that's what you're doing and off you go, but for most people when they're with a partner, they want to know. One of their biggest turn ons is if they can make them feel great. For women, often what happens is the man is thinking that the penetrative intercourse is the only thing that is going to be working for her and what I can say from a database information standpoint, from a sexual education standpoint and from someone whose listened to thousands of people speak and from my scientist background, that is not the action that works for the majority of women. To the contrary, penetrative intercourse is not the number one way most women receive the greatest amount of pleasure. It is mainly through oral stimulation and manual and the main reason is because then there is a direct, constant warm contact with the clitoral area which for a good percentage of women is the most and hottest way for them to receive pleasure.

Does the regular missionary position really doesn't get that for most women?

For the majority of women, no it doesn't. What it actually is doing is kind of banging it on top of its head.

Right.

Now, there are some women for whom that will work if she is on top more so than when he is on top because then, the partner who is on top controls the majority of the motion and the direction of the action.

Okay

Anyway, if women do fake, what ends up happening, men are the best downloading devices going. When they know that something is working, it is like that works, I've got it, don't change a thing.

Exactly. That's the only thing they're going to do.

They're like "Okay, I've got it." If you give them false information, you are giving them a misinformation loop. Then what happens is that men will go back to that thinking that's what works. Now, let's add to it the other slice of the pie which is the place where the majority of men get their information about things to do with women's bodies is the adult industry.

Yeah.

That is one of the most shockingly horrible sources of misinformation going. What I say to men is "gentlemen, here's the deal. It's not to say that we're not programmable as human beings. We are, bless us. We are very programmable. We are programmed by the visuals and the images and things like that." However, these people are following a script.

Exactly.

They are acting. It is completely voiced over so what you're hearing afterwards is not what's hearing then and these people, it's not happening according to their bodies. It's happening with someone else's idea.

Exactly. It's a script people.

Exactly. I say if you got the script and your acting, you got the camera and the voiceover happening in your bedroom, go for it. However, otherwise if you're turning on porn which is not to say there are some that are really terrific, Candido Royale has a line called Fem Productions, excellent. But the majority of them are based on and created by men, for men to self pleasure and masturbate to. That's what they're designed for. They are not designed for the pleasure of women

And they weren't designed as an instruction manual either?

Hardly. What I say to men is "Gentlemen, if you are in bed with a woman and you were thinking that you're getting your best ideas from the porn industry, in essence, you have a guy standing beside your bed telling you what to do with that woman. Do you want that guy there?" Those guys are like "God no!" Like get out of it (inaudible). Now, here is the other part added on to it. Here is the third slice of the pie. For women, they often think and feel pressure that they are supposed to have the reactions that are occurring in adult films that aren't the reactions that are really occurring anyway because their partners will say to them "Well, all my other girlfriends had orgasms" or "I've never been with a woman who faked."

Wow. (Inaudible) go to the you're misinformed part. We should just go back to the okay, but this is what works for me.

Right. Again, here we go to another thing which is how do you know and men will say "Just tell us what you want." How do you ask for what you want when you may not necessarily be sure what that is? That's why something like "Great Lover Playbook," "How to be a Great Lover," "How to Give Her Absolute Pleasure," that's why my seminars and my books got created because when I went looking for the information, I couldn't find it and I would look and I'd go to porn industry is hopeless. Then I would look at things, first of all, it's not exactly things that are making women feel great about themselves and they aren't really necessarily true bodies. Then I looked at the things in the medical and the therapeutic world and I went there typically addressing things as there is something wrong or something missing. I didn't have anything missing. There wasn't anything wrong with me. I just knew I needed more information and I needed real people information.

Yes, a real deal, not...

Right. My editor of my first book. This is how she describes it. "Lou said she wanted to know where people put their fingers, their toes, and their tongues." That's true. I did.

It helps to know where all the body parts are.

I'm a scientist major so I knew when I was (inaudible) this stuff. I was going like, "That is absolute bunk" or "I'd know that nerve system isn't there," what are they talking about?

Exactly.

But what I also knew is that we're all born as this. There's nothing that's more powerful than who we are. Think about it, the moment that we are born, we are immediately judged by our sexuality, female and male, and it continues for the rest of our lives I might add. But what I knew is that if this is where we came from, I couldn't be the only one looking for this style but the more I looked, the more I didn't find it. That's why the grassroots component got added in. I started asking people, "Tell me the best thing someone's ever done with you." The last thing I ever thought I would be doing is these seminars and writing about this subject. Absolutely not. I come from this very, very conservative western Canadian family. It's like "No, no, no, no, no." But what I knew is that this has to be there and it has to be there in a way that's nice, that doesn't have that yuck, yuck factor.

Exactly. People really just want information. That's the main thing.

True. We know that there's so much information on the internet but that doesn't necessarily mean it's accurate.

Right. It's sort of it's there, but...

And the medicalizing of our sexuality; that makes me crazy because we're basically saying you're not okay, you're not enough. Majority of people are okay, they're just not getting the stimulation and the sensation that works for them.

Exactly. Before we run out of time, I've got one more question for you. You've got to come back and talk some more about sexuality. This is some great real down-to-earth information. You tell people to never stop kissing.

Kissing is probably the most intimate connecting that most people do. As women in my seminars have said, men who kiss well should be cloned. It also is the number one activity that often drops off in a long-term relationship because it's sort of considered to be, it's foreplay. I don't have to do that because they're here and they're ready." What women have said, and men, is that kissing is one of the number one things that gets their motors running. What great lovers also do, they touch a lot. It's not touching just sort of like "Okay, I'm touching you, let's go horizontal."

Exactly. Rub, rub, rub, rub, rub, rub. Okay let's go.

No. This is like they walk by one another. They touch one another's neck. They walk by one another with a little kiss on top of the head. They like being around one another. And I'll tell people when I come back, I can walk them through how to tell whether or not they're in the right relationship.

Wow. You can just watch them.

Yeah. I can see it and when I say this on TV programs and my first TV program will be airing August 1st actually, I see people lean in. Okay, what are those two things you ask?

Right. You don't want the people to lean out and go "Oh my gosh!"

Everyone, the cameraman, every person I see them go, "What are they?"

You have been a terrific guest and I hope that we can have you back. You guys have been listening to the IDC dating podcast. IDC dating is where we're creating multicultural relationships everyday. Listen, remember, ignoring one's conscience, if I can get it out of my mouth, is neither safe nor right and this is Dr. Wright for idcdating.com. I'll see you next time.

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